The Emergency Man Pizza

Don't step away while you're broiling your pizza. They burn easily.

Let's face it us guys have all done some version of this when the wife was gone and not supervising us or during those magical years before we were married. That said, if you have your druthers, you'll probably prefer a real pizza made by someone who knows how.

BUT - if you're really desperate for that pizza-ish goodness and you don't have any frozen ones, there is something you can do to temporarily satisfy your craving while Dominoes finds your house and you find enough change under the sofa cushions to pay for the thing.

Voila' - The Emergency Man Pizza

You need three things:

1. Flour tortillas 
2. Spaghetti sauce, tomato ketchup, picanta sauce - practically anything that's saucy and made from tomatoes.
3. Cheese - also a flexible ingredient in desperate circumstances. I once made this dish with cream cheese.

 Here's how you make it:

1.  Lay out however many "pizzas" you're going to want.
2. Smear your tomato sauce on the pizza. Season to taste. I have a friend who likes to put cayenne on his. I like mine a little more mild.  Don't make it too thick or the crust will get too soggy. Just a light smear is best.
3. Sprinkle on a nice covering of cheese. Mozzarella is best, but you'd be surprise how good Havarti or Cheddar are in a pinch.
4. Add anything else you want - onions, peppers, olives, mushrooms, leftover hamburger or some lunch meat, pineapple or sardines - whatever pops your cork. Make it as dry as you can because flour tortillas get soggy pretty quick if you make 'em too juicy.
5. Stick them on a pizza stone (recommended) or a baking sheet in the oven and turn it on broil.  Don't go away. It takes just a couple of minutes. If you go to pee while they're in the oven on broil they'll turn out black around the edges like the ones in the picture above.  I mean, they're still edible, but they're better if you don't burn the edges.  You can also put them in the oven at 425 degrees, but that takes 8 or 10 minutes and this is, after all, an emergency situation.

These are great with a nice salad or you can just eat as many of them as you can make till you aren't hungry anymore. You probably won't want to show these to your wife or offer them as a food substitute. She is likely to doubt your sanity, which she already rates as "iffy" anyway.

My advice is eat them fast and clean up the evidence. Ketchup/cheddar/tortilla pizzas are generally viewed as barbaric by the fairer sex.

Alternate Microwave Method:

You CAN stick these babies in the microwave, but they will come out soggy. But if that's all you've got, you can roll them up like a pizza burrito and eat them that way and they're still pretty good.  Call 'em pizzaritos and it sounds like you meant to make them like that.  A little sour cream in the middle and you're in good shape.

Tom King
(c) 2015

Uncle Tom's Homemade Puyallup Style Barbecue Sauce

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I ran out of KC Masterpiece the other day after my wife had put in her order for barbecued chicken. I already had the chicken in the oven, so I ran upstairs, jumped on the Internet and found some interesting looking recipes. Unfortunately, I didn't have all the right ingredients.

So, typical man, I decide to wing it. I call this Puyallup Style Barbecue Sauce so that people in Kansas City or St. Louis won't be offended. This barbecue sauce is my own invention. Try this at your own risk. I take no responsibility if you try it and think your chicken is ruined.

It takes about 10 minutes to mix up and maybe 15 minutes to cook. This makes about two cups of a nice tangy barbecue sauce. 

Ingredients:

• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder
• 1 cup ketchup
• 1/4+ cup water
• 1/8 to 1/4 cup vinegar
• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1 tablespoons paprika
• 1 tablespoon Cajun seasoning
• 1 tablespoon grape jelly

Directions:
Put 3 tablespoon olive oil in a little pot on medium-high heat.  Add the garlic powder. Stir just a bit till the garlic powder starts turning brown. Add the brown sugar, vinegar and ketchup. I like Delmonte, but I used Hunts for this time out because you can get it in bulk at Cosco. Add the rest of the seasonings and reduce the heat to medium.

I adjust the recipe to taste. I like a little less vinegar and a little more ketchup. The original recipe called for 2 tablespoons paprika, but I cut it in half because the Cajun seasoning has paprika in it. The Cajun seasoning has chili powder and cayenne.  The Cajun seasoning can be increased to make the sauce hotter. My bunch likes a milder barbecue flavor, but you can add more Cajun seasoning or a touch of plain cayenne if you like it hot. I'm not sure who came up with the grape jelly, but I transmigrated it from another recipe and it got rave reviews, so I ain't messin' with the magic.

Simmer the sauce for 15 minutes until it thickens.  If it's too thick, just add a bit more water to get it to the thickness you like.

I poured the rest into an empty KC Masterpiece bottle and stuck it in the fridge. I think I'll make some more to keep on hand.  I like it with vegetarian chicken too.

Enjoy.

Tom

Flapjack Secrets

The Secret to Practically Perfect In Every Way Pancakes

(It's not what you think....)

The Secret to Practically Perfect in Every Way Pancakes is not the recipe for some reason. I searched and searched and found dozens and dozens self-proclaimed “perfect” recipes for pancakes out there. Most of them make a pretty good flapjack. I suspect you could probably fling the basic ingredients willy nilly at a bowl and hope for the best and you could make it come out right - as long as you cook them properly. So here’s a couple of simple good recipes to work from.  Others may be just as good.


CANADIAN PANCAKES:

Dry Ingredients:
1 cup all-purpose flour (King Arthur cause I like knights and swords)
1 tablespoon baking powder (Clabber Girl – also a great name if you can still find it at your grocer)

Wet Ingredients:
1 cup milk
3 egg yolks, 3 egg whites (they kind of come in the same package)


AMERICAN PANCAKES:

Wet Ingredients:
1 cup flour (Gladiola – cause it sounds springy)
1 tsp. baking powder (any kind - Americans aren’t picky about basic cooking chemicals)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda (apparently we also like a little extra fizz in our flapjacks)
1/4 teaspoons salt (and a little salt)
1 tablespoons sugar (and pouring syrup on it never makes it sweet enough)

Dry Ingredients:
1 1/2 c. buttermilk
2 tbs. melted butter
1 egg

As near as I can tell Canadians like their hotcakes simpler and less tasty. I think they use real butter and maple syrup though, which may be why they go for a blander formula

How to Mix it Up:

(Secret Alert #1) Mix all the dry stuff in a glass bowl. Don’t ask me why, but all the great cooks mix pancakes in a glass bowl.

(Secret Alert #2) Separate the egg yolks from the egg whites and beat the egg whites until they make stiff peaks.

Mix the rest of the wet ingredients like milk, buttermilk and egg yolk until smooth. Pour wet stuff sans egg whites into dry stuff. (Secret Alert #3) Fold about a third of the stiff egg whites into the batter. Now, quickly fold in the rest of the egg whites. Beat hard till no egg white streaks are left and the lumps just disappear. The batter should be light, but not runny, so that it lightly falls off the spoon.

(Secret Alert #4) Let the batter sit for no less than 20 minutes. Some say 1 to 3 hours standing time is supposed to be even better, though I do not know why. Perhaps the delicate balance between ptomaine poisoning and not ptomaine poisoning that you get from leaving something with raw egg in it out on the counter for a long period of time is what provides the flavor. Kind of like hanging a dead goose by the neck till the head falls off to age the meat. I don’t get it, but I’m assured this really works. Something about the flour absorbing the wet ingredients fully or the starch swelling so the air bubbles pop and strengthen the structure of the pancake. Since this means you have to get up 3 hours before breakfast to make the pancake batter, I never do it and always have thick greasy crispy edged, mis-shapen pancakes with holes all in them (which by the way, that’s how I like them). But we’re talking about perfect pancakes, not fattening, delicious greasy griddle cakes the way I like them.

Cooking:
It is axiomatic that the first pancake is for the dog. That makes me a St. Bernard, because my favorite pancake of the batch is always the ugly, too thick, crispy, greasy edged first one off the grill. To prepare the grill do this:

Lightly oil the griddle or frying pan over medium high heat (whatever that is). Some cooks just lightly brush the griddle with butter. On my electric skillet I set the temp somewhere between 375 and 400 degrees depending on the oil. (Secret Alert #5) You want it to just start to smoke before dumping the batter - brown smoke not blue smoke.

(Secret Alert #6) Use a small soup ladle to pour the batter onto the grill. If you make them all the same size you can get yourself into a rhythm while cooking them so you don’t over or undercook. Go for a light colden brown. Don’t let them linger on the grill.
Serving:

(Super Secret Alert #7) Two words – “peanut butter”. Pancake connosieurs are frequently appalled at this suggestion, but for my family, peanut butter on your pancakes is a family tradition. I’m just sayin’. Take it or leave it, but you’ll be missing something. Real butter and maple syrup are the supposed ideal toppings, but you can dump fruit compote (whatever that is) on there if you want or lots of other sweet things. When I was growing up and we ran out of syrup, I would use apple butter (which is cheaper than jelly). Grape jam is also good on pancakes with margarine and a little PB. For syrups, I like Blackburn syrup because it’s made near my East Texas home in Jefferson, Texas and it’s comparable in cost to the store brands and it comes in great big bottles so you don’t run out so quick. Besides, I like to support local industry. There’s something morally wrong about syrup being made in China or Mexico.

Warning:
If you are the cook, do not expect to enjoy your pancakes with the family. By the time you finish enough for everyone, the ones on the bottom will be cold. Just serve everybody straight off the griddle, one at a time so they are piled up at the peak of perfection. I put that ugly first one or two pancakes on a plate by the griddle, add syrup and peanut butter and margarine and eat it while I’m cooking the rest. For some reason, you always run out of customers about the same time you run out of batter and if you didn’t get yours first, you either have to mix a new batch for yourself (which my grandmother's invisible voice in my head says is just wrong) or skip breakfast altogether.

It would be sad if you had to skip it!

Tom

The Bread Machine Secret

You can buy a bread machine, but that doesn't guarantee your bread will be any good.

It promises to be easy to do, but in reality, mmmmmmmmmm not so much!

There is a secret to making bread and I will share it with you. It involves no exotic ingredients, no special kitchen tools or the wearing of special underwear (although you may if you wish. The secret to great bread-making is knowing what a baby's butt feels like when you pat it!

Of course, you actually have to have taken a run at diaper changing at some point in your life. If you have not, then by all means, run straight out, find a baby, remove it's diaper and pat its butt. If you get home without being arrested, then you are ready to make Grandma's bread.

Introduction:


The "Bread Machine Recipes" cookbook says to measure all the ingredients carefully. If you ever watched you grandmother bake bread, you realize at once what balderdash that is. The truth is bread wants to be baked. The flour and yeast and stuff wants to become a beautiful loaf of golden crusted bread. It has no higher ambition. You, as the baker, are merely the facilitator of this exquisite transformation. So remember, the ingredients are merely a suggestion. It is the baby's butt that is the key!

Ingredients:

• Half cup or so of hot tap water (not boiling)

• Teaspoon of salt

• One egg

• 2 tablespoons honey, Karo Syrup or a big handful 

  of brown sugar. (As you gain confidence - and weight 

  - you WILL later add more than this I promise you).

• 2 cups of whole wheat flour

• 3/4 cup or so of white all-purpose flour

• A big glop of butter or margarine, a couple of 

  tablespoons of Olive or vegetable oil or some Crisco, 

  whatever you have.

• 1/4 cup of nonfat dry milk (I've never done it this way 

  - I put this in for historical purposes). I use a quarter 

  can of evaporated milk.

• 1/4 cup or so of wheat germ.  This was another of my 

  grandmother's secrets for making the bread the right 

  texture and adding nutritional value to it.  Wheat germ 

  is the heart of the grain and is very good for you and 

  also slightly crunchy, a quality which I like in my wheat bread.

• 2 packages of rapid rise yeast or regular yeast or a yeast cake 

  - whatever works for you.

Directions:

1. Dump everything into the bread machine in any order you want. They say it matters, but it doesn't. Just don't do the water yet. Make sure you screw in the twirler paddle dealy bob before you pour in the ingredients or it gets real messy trying to get the thing on there and rotating freely - I do that a lot (like tonight).

2. Program the machine for basic bread and a 1.5 pound loaf. If you want to not have the hole in the bottom from the paddle that you get when you bake it in the machine, then set it for dough. You'll have to pull out the loaf, reshape it and put it in a bread pan to bake in your oven, but you're on your own there. I make 3 of these babies or more a week on a good week and I don't want to have to watch the oven - am almost certain recipe for smoked bread if I'm watching it cook. Press Start.

3. Fiddle with the dough as it forms. The bread recipe book stopped at step 2. It is wrong to do so, especially since I haven't told you to put in the water yet. Once you press start, you must tend to the critical initial kneading of the loaf. Open the top of the bread machine. Watch the paddle dealy (no need to learn these technical names - it will be obvious to you what the paddle dealy is). Use a big wooden spoon and poke on the dough ball as it forms so that it picks up all the flour as you slowly add the hot water. Don't use all the hot water before it starts coalescing into dough. You may not need it all.

4. Be patient. At first it won't look like there's enough water, but keep poking the dough ball down to pick up the excess flour. You may need to add some flour if the dough ball is too sticky. Here's where the secret comes in!

5. Feel the dough. If it feels just like a baby's butt when you pat it, you have achieved doughy perfection. Add hot water or flour to achieve the perfect texture. Once you have done that, go away and let the machine do its job. Come back in about 3 and a half hours to witness the completion of the process.

6. Most bread machines use the paddle dealy to push the bread out when it is done. I try to get there before that happens so that the bottom of my bread doesn't get squashed. I take it out before the machine ejects it. It may just be my machine, but that's my recommendation.

7. Enjoy!

Tom King - Baker Extraordinaire
(and God bless whoever invented the bread machine!)