Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Emergency Man Pizza

Don't step away while you're broiling your pizza. They burn easily.

Let's face it us guys have all done some version of this when the wife was gone and not supervising us or during those magical years before we were married. That said, if you have your druthers, you'll probably prefer a real pizza made by someone who knows how.

BUT - if you're really desperate for that pizza-ish goodness and you don't have any frozen ones, there is something you can do to temporarily satisfy your craving while Dominoes finds your house and you find enough change under the sofa cushions to pay for the thing.

Voila' - The Emergency Man Pizza

You need three things:
  1. Flour tortillas 
  2. Spaghetti sauce, tomato ketchup, picanta sauce - practically anything that's saucy and made from tomatoes.
  3. Cheese - also a flexible ingredient in desperate circumstances. I once made this dish with cream cheese.
 Here's how you make it:
  1.  Lay out however many "pizzas" you're going to want.
  2. Smear your tomato sauce on the pizza. Season to taste. I have a friend who likes to put cayenne on his. I like mine a little more mild.  Don't make it too thick or the crust will get too soggy. Just a light smear is best.
  3. Sprinkle on a nice covering of cheese. Mozzarella is best, but you'd be surprise how good Havarti or Cheddar are in a pinch.
  4. Add anything else you want - onions, peppers, olives, mushrooms, leftover hamburger or some lunch meat, pineapple or sardines - whatever pops your cork. Make it as dry as you can because flour tortillas get soggy pretty quick if you make 'em too juicy.
  5. Stick them on a pizza stone (recommended) or a baking sheet in the oven and turn it on broil.  Don't go away. It takes just a couple of minutes. If you go to pee while they're in the oven on broil they'll turn out black around the edges like the ones in the picture above.  I mean, they're still edible, but they're better if you don't burn the edges.  You can also put them in the oven at 425 degrees, but that takes 8 or 10 minutes and this is, after all, an emergency situation.
These are great with a nice salad or you can just eat as many of them as you can make till you aren't hungry anymore. You probably won't want to show these to your wife or offer them as a food substitute. She is likely to doubt your sanity, which she already rates as "iffy" anyway.

My advice is eat them fast and clean up the evidence. Ketchup/cheddar/tortilla pizzas are generally viewed as barbaric by the fairer sex.

Alternate Microwave Method:

You CAN stick these babies in the microwave, but they will come out soggy. But if that's all you've got, you can roll them up like a pizza burrito and eat them that way and they're still pretty good.  Call 'em pizzaritos and it sounds like you meant to make them like that.  A little sour cream in the middle and you're in good shape.

Tom King
(c) 2015

Saturday, June 06, 2015

The Writing Life: Advice from CS Lewis

A young American girl - an aspiring - writer wrote CS Lewis asking him for advice on how to write. In his letter to her, Lewis made five of the best suggestions I've heard. Lewis had an incredible gift for getting huge ideas into not very much prose. I use these suggestions when I read through my stuff and brutally edit out the drivel...

Here's Lewis' advice:

1. Always try to use the language so as to make quite clear what you mean and make sure your sentence couldn’t mean anything else.

2. Always prefer the plain direct word to the long, vague one. Don’t implement promises, but keep them.

3. Never use abstract nouns when concrete ones will do. If you mean “More people died” don’t say “Mortality rose.”

4. In writing. Don’t use adjectives which merely tell us how you want us to feel about the thing you are describing. I mean, instead of telling us a thing was “terrible,” describe it so that we’ll be terrified. Don’t say it was “delightful”; make us say “delightful” when we’ve read the description. You see, all those words (horrifying, wonderful, hideous, exquisite) are only like saying to your readers “Please will you do my job for me.”

5. Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

So, if somehow, you can manage to avoid foggy, complicated, vague, abstract, touchy-feely, sesquipedalian loquacious writing, you may look up one day and discover you're not such a bad writer after all.

Just sayin'

Tom King (c) 2015

Monday, May 11, 2015

Cleaning Secrets - Gas Smell in Carpet


You aren't supposed to carry cans of gasoline in the cabin of your car. The fumes can make you sick and even more dangerous, the fumes are what blow up if there's a spark happening anywhere about. That said, how many of us have propped a gallon on the passenger seat floorboard for the trip home to mow the grass.
Slosh a bit on the carpet and you could be driving with the window open for the next two or three months. Fortunately, there's a way yo can get the smell and the explosive potential out of your carpet in short order. Just follow these steps carefully and in order and this easy to make solution should help pull the smell out of the carpet right handily. If any smell lingers, just repeat until it doesn't. It shouldn't take more than a few repetition. 
  • Baking soda or kitty litter
  • Dry cleaning solvent
  • Dishwashing liquid
  • Warm water
  • Measuring cup
  • Paper towels
  • Sponge
  • Shop vacuum
  • Rubber gloves
  1. Immediately after any gasoline spill, blot up the liquid with paper towels. Keep blotting until the spill is as dry as possible. Be careful how you dispose of the used towels. Don't just throw them in the trash. They could spontaneously combust. If you have an outside burn pile you might be able to burn them safely. You might want to contact your waste management company and ask them how they want you to store and dispose of flammable paper towels. Whatever you do, don't scrub the wet gasoline. Blot gently or you will force gasoline into the carpet pad.
  1. Cover the gasoline spot with baking soda or kitty litter as soon as you can. Let the soda or litter absorb as much gasoline as possible. Let the soda or litter sit on the spot for an hour to fully absorb any remaining gasoline.  Leave all your car doors and windows open to keep the fumes from building up in the cabin and possibly blowing up your car. 
  2. Scrape up all of the material and remove it from the car. Don't use a shop vac or other electrical device to remove the saturated litter or soda. It could spark and catch fire. 
  3. Next you're going to use dry cleaning solvent (Naptha) to rinse our the stained area. Test it first on an inconspicuous place to make sure it doesn't damage the fibers of the carpet. Some carpets with polyester in them can be damaged. If you can't use Naptha, try using vinegar. It won't work as well and may mean you have to resoak and blot the spot several more times, but it also won't explode. 
  4. Now, blot the solvent into the gasoline spot with paper towels or a sponge. Fix up a little tub with hot soapy water and do a final soapy and then a clear rinse afterward.
  5. Blot the solvent into the spot with paper towels till the carpet is well saturated, then blot it up with a sponge. Repeat till the gasoline smell is noticeably reduced. If you add a little lemon juice or lemon scented cleaner to the final rinse, it can help cover any lingering smell of gasoline a bit better.  
Safety Tip:

Be sure and wear gloves when you're working to keep fuel from soaking into your skin. If you spill more than a cup or two of gas, you may be better off pulling up and replacing the carpet as gasoline may have soaked into the carpet pad. It may be much better to call up a professional hazardous chemical removal specialist in this case rather than attempting the job yourself. Being immolated in your own driveway is not a particularly pleasant way to meet one's maker.


If a large amount of gasoline was spilled, it may have saturated the padding. In this case, the carpet will need to be replaced and the danger of fire is very high and a professional hazardous chemical removal specialist should be called. 


How to Clean Carpet: Gasoline

Illinois Dept. Of Public Health: Gasoline Fact Sheet

Berkeley Lab: Hazardous Waste

Fantomworks: How to Remove a Gasoline Smell

Auto Evolution: How to Get Rid Of Gasoline Odor in Your Car

(c) 2015 by Tom King

*Graphic:  License: CC0 Public Domain / FAQ Free for commercial use / No attribution required